The Wounded Warrior

The Wounded Warrior


Romulus stumbled in the dark; it was difficult to tell whether it was the drowsiness or the darkness that made him move so errantly. From the distance one could see a big figure slowly moving up the hill. His silhouette against the night sky was barely visible.

By the time Romulus reached the top of the hill, the sky was painted in a misty blue twilight. In an hour the sun would rise in the east from its slumber. He walked to the great oak tree and stood there examining the view in front of him.

Flocks of birds were crisscrossing across the early morning sky. A chilly wind was rustling the leaves of giant trees. Down the hill was an expanse of meadows.

Romulus untied the scabbard attached to his waistband. He sat down placing his sword beside him. The trunk of the tree supporting his back, he lay there looking at the nature in front of him. Towards the dead end of the night he had a nightmare and suddenly woke up. Unable to regain sleep in him cosy room he decided to take a walk and came all the way up the hill. Sleep, the warm blanket that wraps the human body in comfort and peace eluded him sometimes. It wasn’t always like this for him, there was a time when he used to sleep peacefully like a baby. He was different back then, so full of energy, filled with hope and enthusiasm.
Alas, times never remain the same and things have changed drastically for him, today he represents the complete contrast of what he was.

Romulus was born in a settlement on the river Tiber. He was very active and bright since his childhood. One always wondered at his stamina when they saw him run fast on those tiny legs of his. He excelled in education and was soon sent to an academy in Corinth. On completion of his education at the academy he decided to enlist himself into the legions. The scholars at the academy were shocked at his decision and tried hard to reason with him.
“Becoming a legionnaire is a huge waste of your talent Romulus, you could become a great trader or a businessman. More than all of this I believe that one day you could become a senator of Rome. You want to leave all of it and become a legionnaire; you want to patrol the jungles in the east and snowy peaks in the north. Before you even realize what you are into you would be slain by some barbarian tribes. You have all the talent in you to achieve what others just dream of and yet you want to leave it all”

“I will think about it master”, he replied nonchalantly. It was the army that fascinated him, the men in full amour, marching in formations to distant lands. The stories that he heard beckoned him to be a part of it and experience it.

He joined the legionnaires and was assigned to the Eagle legion, the finest among all Roman legions. Soon he saw action in the northern slopes, sometimes fighting against the barbarian hordes and sometimes against the snowstorms and lack of food. The inhospitable conditions, low rations, biting cold and constant fear of death take a toll even on the brave. There were a large no of deserters, some who leave the army and go back to their farms, some who continue serving and just leave when the time comes to act. Always calm and composed he never wavered even in the toughest of the times. It was in those times that Romulus was given important positions and responsibilities. On the battlefield his valor was unmatched, one of the best swordfighters he slew any moving life form within striking distance with such speed and agility that the enemy never ever really got a chance to have a swing at him. The legion was filled with whispers about his courage on the battlefield. The northern campaign was won after two years of hard battle and the barbarians driven outside the northern borders.

Romulus was posted to the town garrison of Corinth, the very same place where he was educated. Things had changed quite a lot and he was happy he was back in the town. He remembered his days form the academy when he had no money and used to loiter around the market aimlessly looking at what all he wanted to buy. Now he had the money with which he could buy what he wanted, he was happy and life seemed to be good.

Then one day he saw her near the governor’s palace. She and her friends were sitting in the lawns that dot the stretch of the governor’s road. The first thing that struck him was her smile. He just stood there admiring her charm. He couldn’t find her silent even for a second, she was constantly chattering something, laughing and smiling all the time. She noticed him staring at her and blushed as his eyes met hers. Daily it became a routine, everyday as he returned to his home from work he looked at her and she looked back. It took some time till Romulus had the courage to first talk to her. He got a chance to talk to her for just a few minutes everyday and he waited eagerly for that time. It almost seemed that the very objective of his daily existence were the few minutes that he got to spend with her. Soon they became good friends and friendship blossomed into love.

Love, the strange feeling that none could explain, the unknown warmth and joy that made life more meaningful. Romulus didn’t want anything more in life than her. Riches, pleasures, luxuries, power none of them mattered to him. What he truly cherished was the time he spent with her; the numerous things they talked about, her sparkling eyes which conveyed so much to him with just glances, her laughter, which was like soothing music, and numerous small little things that she talked about that filled his life with warmth and love.
His heart hardened by the battles softened up in her presence, he felt more human in her company. Used to face all the challenges alone in life things changed as for the first time he had someone with whom he could share his happiness, his sadness, his dreams and his worries. Life seemed so beautiful.

Then one fine day she broke the news that her parents had finalized a groom for her. A rich wealthy trader, from a distant far away town. Not wanting to waste any more time before it is too late he decided to ask for her hand in marriage. She refused to introduce him in home saying that it would make matters even more worse. Choosing a groom on their own was something that would not be tolerated in her house under any circumstances. She promised him that she would herself talk to them about him.

She did talk of him at home but met with stiff opposition. Her parents wanted her to be with someone of their choice someone capable and wealthy like the trader they selected, not this lowly soldier that their daughter keeps talking off. What really happened from here he didn’t know. She started saying that they had to stop their relationship and not expect anything in future.

Seeing his dreams and hopes shattered Romulus suffered in silence. Sometimes the anger was shown in some other ways, he felt that he was loosing her. He somehow had faith in love and believed that by giving her some more time she would face the opposition to her love and would stand for him and put up a fight. It was this small hope that he stuck on to, but things were changing rapidly. She was under strict supervision from home and he couldn’t get to talk with her much like before. The very object of his daily existence, those few minutes he got to spend with her were taken away from him.

One day at the garrison he go into a huge quarrel with his superiors. In the army disobedience was a gross deviation and would not be forgiven without consequences.
In the evening he got a chance to talk to her and calm his worries. She seemed so uninterested in what he had to say. His work life hung in balance along with his personal life, he didn’t know whether he would survive at the barracks and he didn’t know if she could find the courage and fight for him and be his wife.
A chain of events that followed upset him and this agitated him beyond imagination. Love has its expectation and he expected that she would be there for him when he wanted her so badly. Angered by her response he quarreled with her, and in a fit of anger said unpleasant things.

The next day he went to her to ask for forgiveness.
“I am going to get married”, she greeted him.
“But why? How can your marriage be fixed without your consent”
“I gave my consent”

“What…” he couldn’t just believe what she just said, a searing pain passed through his heart as if it would stop beating any moment.
“I accepted my parents choice and my marriage is fixed”


Romulus looked at his palms and noticed that they were shaking. The hand, that never shook in the battlefield and that knew no fear and was always steady in front of great odds, now shook violently whenever he thought of her.
The sun had risen by now. They were marks on his face revealing the moistness that escaped his eyes and made way towards his chin. Romulus suddenly noticed a man dressed in white robes moving towards him. He quickly took his sword lying beside him and gripped it tightly. Realizing that it was just an instantaneous reaction that became a habit due to the long years spent in battle in the northern slopes he released the sword.

The old man came and sat down beside him, dressed in pure white with a white flowing beard and white hair he looked like some heavenly resident.

“I am Dius a stranger in these parts, what pains you young man”, he asked as he sat down beside him.

Romulus suddenly realized that his tears were still visible. Embarrassed he wiped them.
“I am Romulus a soldier”

“Why do you feel so embarrassed for letting our water that soothes the pain in your heart”, grinned the scholar.
“Who told you I am in pain, and who told you that I am embarrassed”

“Your expressions are hard to ignore even from a great distance”

Silence…..

“Silence is not an answer” the old man asked enquiringly.

“Listen old man, you turn up all of a sudden and you are so intrusive into other peoples lives, just leave me alone, leave me in peace”

“Young man I may help you overcome it, your burden may reduce by letting it out, you don’t loose anything”

“You think that problems have such a quick solution in life that they can be wiped away by just a conversation”
“Why don’t you try it once and see”
“Please leave me alone, nothing would change for me, its all over, she is gone and that’s the hard truth”

“Aahhh, so it’s all because of a woman, what happened”

Always keeping his problems to himself and never sharing the pain with anyone Romulus for the first time opened up before him for some unknown reason. Perhaps there was a certain level of comfort he felt on the way he talked or probably he just wanted all those pent up feeling to just come out of his system.
Romulus narrated to Dius what all happened.

“Life seems so hard and unforgiving isn’t it” Dius commented after hearing out Romulus.

“Much worse, no matter how hard I try to push away all those thoughts they just keep coming back and haunt me, I just keep asking why me, of everyone why me to face so much pain and for what mistake of mine. Why did she do so, is it because her parents didn’t approve, she could have convinced them, was it so tough, did she do so because the groom was a wealthy man and I am just a normal soldier, did she do so because of the quarrel I had with her. Is love soo weak that just because of one quarrel it can be deserted, aren’t misunderstanding common among couples and they make up and that’s how love increases.”

“Everyday my mind just keeps asking these questions again and again, these questions torture me endlessly, how I wish I knew the truth. No matter how hard I try not to think of her there seems to be something or the other which reminds me. Then all of the past comes revisiting, Its like having a volcano within my heart and everyday it spews out the hot lava which burns the inner linings of my heart, the pain Dius the pain, its unbearable, it is with such great effort that I try to conceal it from the outside world.”

“When at the garrison as I keep working suddenly I am reminded of her and my eyes become moist. Its hard to conceal it, sometimes when I get caught I just get away by saying some dust fell in my eyes. Dius the last time I cried before this was nine years ago when I was still a child.”
“It has been so many months Dius since all of this happened, and yet I cannot think of any other woman other than her, she refuses to leave my mind, how could it be so easy for her, how could she just forget everything in one day and move on with someone else for the rest of her life.”

“She had so much love for me, I could see it in her eyes, what made her change. She just left me alone in the middle of nowhere. How could she just desert me and move away, didn’t her heart every cry out that there was tru love that she was deserting. Didn’t she realize that there is a person who loves her more than himself and his life would be so devastated. She was my support Dius, she was the reason I lived, the hope I had in my life, she was the happiness, she was everything and when she left she just took away all that was a part of me. She just destroyed my life beyond repair”

“Every day I keep saying to myself that time would heal all of this but it never happens. There is no respite from the sufferings.”

Both of them sat there in silence staring into wilderness. The first one to break silence was Dius the old man.

“Romulus, my dear Romulus, I am so sorry for what has happened to you”, the old man replied with concern.

“You gave her the chance of destroying your life and she did destroy everything with such perfection, but it wasn’t her mistake Romulus it was yours, for letting your guard down, for giving someone else the capability to hurt you. I do not know of what reasons she married someone else but I do know of why you are in so much pain”

“Before I talk to you anything more on this, remember this for your entire life Romulus, Never give the opportunity to destroy your life to anyone else, never ever.”

“Romulus, the mistake you did was tagging happiness to an individual. You had wonderful times in her company and you were so happy in her presence that you started to believe that the cause for you happiness is that one single person, and her absence has hit you so hard that you have started to believe that happiness has deserted you. You and you alone are responsible for your happiness and it is nothing but the way you react to different situations you face in life. We all make the mistake many times in our lives Romulus, we tag happiness to people or objects and we tend to believe that our well-being and joy are solely dependent something else other than us.”

“Try looking at happiness form a different perspective, irrespective of the situation irrespective of the people who come into your life, you spread happiness around you and you will start to realize that no individual can bring or take away any happiness from your life”

Romulus disagreed “Tell me Dius , if what you say is right then no one would feel any love for anyone, and just looking after your own happiness is greed”

“No, I didn’t mean that, definitely the heart has a language of its own which couldn’t be deciphered by scholars till date, I am saying that a persons happiness is not just dependent on the presence of just one individual. Happiness is not greed and I accept that, true happiness can only be achieved when you spread it among those who care for you or those you know or those in need of it.”

“You accepted her completely and whole heartedly, you built a vision of your future along with her, you accepted that it was her with whom you would live the rest of you life, walk alongside her for the rest of your life, you made castles in air of the life you both would live in your future. It’s called hope and it is hope based on which all human beings live, its hope that gives strength to an individual to fight against odds. When she left she took away the hope in your life. That’s why you feel so weak Romulus, that’s why the pain is unbearable, because to you she was a part of all that you hoped for and the absence of hope meant that you no longer have the strength to fight against odds.”

“What do I do now Dius , please help me, I cannot carry on like this forever”, Romulus felt solace in the answers.

“Redefine hope again, your life has been destroyed completely, there is no point in fretting over what has been destroyed. You need to concentrate on rebuilding it. It is not easy young man, trust me, but it is not impossible, if you are looking for a path that has no pain then you are mistaken.”

“Is there no remedy for the pain Dius, there must be something, you are a wise person you should know of some way to overcome this.”

“Romulus when you go to battle and the enemy is defeated it doesn’t mean that your side hasn’t faced any casualties. Life is similar, you need to fight this out and win it, but it doesn’t mean that you would not face any pain in the process, no matter how hard you try there will be pain”

“You are saying about rebuilding hope, starting afresh, it’s good to hear, but is it possible, there are some things that cannot be changed. The scar would be there forever in my life. If I was a trader or a wealthy man, wouldn’t she find it hard to leave me, wouldn’t her parents accept then? Dius it is not that I couldn’t achieve all that, I was at the academy once and I excelled in it, I didn’t take up the charted path, as I wanted to be a legionnaire and serve Rome. If only I could have done what the scholars at the academy advised and become a trader or senator. This truth would haunt me for the rest of my life. I don’t feel any longing to be a soldier. The drive, the zeal, its all gone. The old Romulus does not exist anymore, everything’s changed and changed so drastically that some things are beyond repair.”

“Time heals the pain Romulus”
“I don’t believe you, does time really have that power, if it really did then why is there no respite to what I am suffering, its been many months since all of it happened and yet there is no peace for me”

“Time heals to an extent not completely, some pain can be treated some cannot, time will just reduce it to an extent that is bearable or time reduces the frequency of it affecting you. You would be bothered by these thoughts less number of times in future than now. I will give an example, when this first happened what was your condition”

“Very bad, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, nightmares haunted me relentlessly, I couldn’t concentrate on anything, stomach used to pain, and …..”
“And what Romulus…..”

Romulus shut his eyes for the shame was too much to bear
“My nose used to bleed”
He, who could never be injured on the battlefield by the enemy, who didn’t shed a single drop of blood on the battlefield, who never suffered a wound or an injury till date was finally wounded by love. It took an invisible unknown identity called love to finally draw blood from his body.

“Do you face any of it now”
“No, some of them have gone, some still trouble me but they have reduced”

“That’s what happens in life Romulus, time heals. Imagine X and Y who are together and happy, both X and Y get separated and travel to different parts, they no longer talk to each other or stay in touch with each other. X and Y soon have a new set of friends. Earlier X and Y tagged happiness to each other, now their experiences are being replaced with those that other people bring into their lives, the reasons for their happiness become someone else and the memories of the old person slowly fades. Soon the tagging of happiness or love that X & Y made for each other starts to weaken, the feelings for each other in the past just becomes vague memories. New persons take up their positions or tagging in their life. X and Y start tagging them to different emotions and time makes them believe that the old memories are useless in comparison to the new fresh experiences with the new persons. So the transition takes place successfully over a period of time.”

“Romulus , remember one important thing about love, never have any expectations from it. Having expectations causes pain. You had expectations and that’s why you are suffering. You expected that love would never desert you and stay with you throughout life, it did not happen and you are suffering. You expected that love would be so pure and true that it is free from materialistic things in life, it did not happen and you are suffering from it. You expected that the person in love with you would fight for you, it did not happen and you are suffering. You expected that the person in love with you would stay with you in thick and thin and would stand beside you, she didn’t do that once and you got angry and quarreled with her. Just remember never have any expectations from love, just give and don’t wish for anything in return, don’t even expect to be loved and taken care of. When you have no expectations then you have fewer reasons to disagree or feel disappointed with the other person. This way you ensure that no one in future get a chance to destroy your life.”

“I need to leave Romulus, but remember there is no full solution yet discovered for the situation you are in, you can fight it out provided you are willing to find the truth and overcome it. Love is a strange thing, no one could explain it clearly till date.”

Romulus was deeply lost in thought as Dius bade an unanswered goodbye and left the oak tree. By the time he regained his senses he was all alone on the hilltop.

(For my good friend , may his soul find peace)